Better yet, the rhythm of life. I'm a musician at heart, so life often moves to music for me. Even when I'm quiet, there's a soundtrack playing in my head. If you've been around me for very long, you'll know I can't stand still. Some part of me will be moving, especially if there's hip hop playing! Sometimes I'm not even aware it's going on... the humming along with a song, or the slight hip sway that simply says I'm happy.
But the tempo of my life lately has been less than a soothing melody. It's been a full on 'Flight of the Bumblebee!'
Thanks to a few major events, the sountrack of my life had to be completely re-written.
First and probably most significantly, a few years ago the music stopped. Not just the rhythm, because that's easier to go with the flow. A simple change in direction, no problem. A slight detour, ok. I got that. But this was the kind of tempo change where the conductor decides I am no longer part of the orchestra. I didn't even get to audition... or in reality, I'd been auditioning the whole time and didn't know it. Big change.
Second - We moved.
A LONG way from home and everything I've ever known, to a place where the only thing I knew for sure was it had beautiful weather and Crossfit. (and Oregon women, but that will only make sense to the cave man and he doesn't read this anyway.. but let's just leave it at 'insecurity.' )
I left my church, my friends, my side of the family. I left my favorite piano player and accompanist, and all my southern food! I left the Y, which I'd been a part of for the last 9 years.
So where does that leave me?
Beautiful weather. No humidity. Impressive mountains. Majestic scenery and open spaces.
Yes.
And starting over.
There was no sheet music left on my stand for this performance. The paper was blank and it was up to me to write the melody.
Oh my friend... have you ever faced your day and wondered how you were going to make it through - maybe even just get out of bed? I've had months like that.
Before I moved here, those days were almost every day. I was drowning in a depression born out of grief and loss and sheer panic, and fueled by my lack of knowledge that what and how I was eating was only making it more impossible for me to successfully climb out of that black hole. (but that's another post)
I took on a sport I thought I loved, but what I really loved about it was that it hurt worse than the pain I was facing inside.
hmmm.
Even I need to sit with that one a bit. I have a broken and bruised up past. So it was no surprise when I began to discover that I loved working out, that I would never be satisfied with an 'easy' workout. I needed the push. I needed the pain. And I needed something bigger to tackle that what I was always fighting inside. I started in the gym. Then I discovered kickboxing. Then I discovered full contact Muay Thai. You can see the patern here.
Working out was always the bright spot in my day - and somehow I've always known what to do in the gym, but have struggled with just about everything outside of the gym. Why is that? Why is there a confidence inside the gym that won't transfer into my life?
I don't have an answer to that question yet, but I can tell you that I'm beginning to find an inner peace with both myself and my gym time. It's been a long drawn out process, but after many years of wandering around lost, I can say I'm well on my way to finding my song again.
Now before that sounds defeating for those of you who are reading this thinking - "I'll never get there." or "some people have all the luck," or even "I don't even have the energy to try," please hear my heart on this. This didn't happen for me overnight. It didn't even happen the first 20 times I tried to change.
But at some point, I realized I had just enough strength to try. Just one thing. That's all I had in me. And it's all you have to have. Just the thought that you want to try.
From there, you find your safe places. Those friends who stand by you no matter what, and I don't mean the ones who just like to hear your problems so they can 'know' what's going on with you. I mean the real friends. The ones who don't listen when you say things are fine. The ones who show up anyway when you say 'I don't need anything.' And the ones who hear your heart, even when you can't say what's hurting. Go there and tell someone that you want to try. That you want to sing again, but you don't know how.
It's ok not to have all the answers. And if you want to know a secret, sometimes it's better that way. If we don't go into a situation with all of our actions 'mapped out' already, then we're more likely to stumble on the hidden bleessing than if we protect ourselves so much that we blaze out a path without stopping to look around. Sometimes, and I know it's hard to believe, but sometimes you don't need to know then end result before you start. Sometimes you just need to start.
My life today doesn't look anything like the song I used to sing.
That's ok. As a matter of fact, it's brilliant.
It's not where I though I would land. It's not what I thought I would be doing. It's not who I thought I would be friends with. And it's not who I thought I would be.
It's better.
Hang in there. The saying, 'This too shall pass' is really a wonderful thing. It really will. Whatever you're singing today, won't be the song you sing tomorrow. And whatever trial you face today, won't be the one you struggle with next week. So it will get better. And it will pass. And there's a beautiful song that was written just for you ~ and it's simply waiting for you to sing it.
So go sing. Be what you were meant to be before people and life and you got in the way.
Sing for you. Sing for me.
I'll be listening....
