Who's Your Demon?!

                              Who's your daddy  demon?                

  What?!  That's funny. No.  Seriously.

What is today, this very minute, standing in the way of you succeeding?  What is really keeping you from your goal? 


Have you ever thought about how much control it really has over you? Or has it been with you so long, that's it's a comfortably numb place to be and you honestly don't even think of it as a hold up.
But what if someone said they could remove that 'thing,' that demon.   Tomorrow morning you would wake up, and it would be gone. 

Be honest. How excited would you really be?   

Some of you have spent your lifetime trying to rid your life of this demon. Some of you have only just realized you have one.   It's those who have carried this burden for some time that I hurt for today... myself included.   Because my friend, you and I will have the hardest time REALLY letting go.  We will be the ones who say we want change, but when the time comes to go for it... will hang on for dear life to what we know. To what's comfortable.   It may be killing us, but it's comfortable.

Is that you?  Do you have a demon in your life that has got it's claws so deeply entrenched in your life that you honestly don't know how you would live without it?   And it doesn't have to be the pointy horned little red guy either. It may not come dressed in all black wearing a cloak of darkness.

 This demon I know comes very neatly disguised as self hate.

I read a post today from Coach Able that really hit home for me ~ 
"Ladies, wake-up to the reality that the false God you worship - of ideal body-image, is actually your demon - only then will you be able to stop believing that your body is flawed and your appetites are sinful - The truth is your body is the ART of you, and your appetites, just normal reflections of the world you live in. Until then you will suffer the 6-6-6 signs of evil - 6 - the minimum number ...of times per day you say cruel things to yourself because of how you look or what you weigh - 6 - the minimum number of times per day you struggle with emotional impulses on food/hunger brought on by the intense emotional attachment of body-image and diet in your false worship. And the worse 6 of all -"6" - as the absolute minimum (or lower) 'conditional love' dress size you must be at in order to accept "who" you are - and until that dress size you continue to unconditionally hate 'how' you are. Yep, that sounds like a God worth worshipping to me????? And another diet and training program sounds like the gospel of worship you keep convincing yourself is your deliverance - 666 - indeed."

He doesn't pull any punches, and most of the time is brutally honest - but I promise you it's the truth that you and I need to hear.  (And I promise I already had the idea for the 'demon' theme before I read his post, but I believe that was no accident as well.)

    A few weeks ago more than a few people commented on my apparent need to continue to post 'fit-porn' pictures of ripped models behind motivational slogans.  "Why do you post these?"  "Those aren't the norm for real people and only make it harder for people to be satisfied with what they have."   A few people were kind in their comments and simply voicing their opinions, but kept it related to their own preference for not viewing them, while another handed it down with judgement, both their own and someone else's they felt the need to pass on.  So I stopped posting any pictures. Period.  Mainly because I was so taken back by being confronted by several people in the same week - and honestly because I was hurt as well.
But as the time passed, I began to take a look at my motives.   And I began to question the impact these pictures really were having on me, and possibly those who would be viewing them.

Honestly, I have so many friends in the body building and CrossFit industry who could pass for anyone in those pictures, that I was simply appreciating the hard work I know it took to get there.  And I do believe that.   But I'm also aware that not everyone can ever 'get there.'   So for those of us (myself included once again) whose genetics simply didn't allow for the 6% bodyfat kind of genes...    what does it really say to us when we idolize those pictures?     Is it healthy for me to continue to 'wish' I could get leaner when I also can realize that at this point in my life I'm a very busy stay at home homeschooling mom of 3?   I recognize that my lifestyle right now, puts my children first and me second and I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Do I eat right? most of the time.  Do I exercise?  Love to.   But do I have the time or funds to have an all grass fed, organicly grown, tiny meal while maintaining all the other aspects of my life?   No.     Have I stopped Victorias Secret from sending their magazines to my house because I was tired of looking at 14 year old girls and feeling somehow sub par because I couldn't wear the things they could?  Yep.  But what did I replace it with?   Title9 and Athleta.   At least those are real people and fit ladies who .....   aw crap.  Still. don't. look. like. me.

And there it is again.  That pesky demon who has so craftily woven it's way into my life, that I don't even recognize it until I'm too far down.   

I simply replaced the scrawny, tiny no hip VS models with the also unattainable super fit, super lean no hips athletic super chicks.    Either way, the self talk that goes on can only say "You don't measure up."   

Do you know what I'm talking about?   The quote that says something the to the respect of  'If you had a friend who talked to you the way you talk to yourself, how long would you keep that friend around?'  is so right on!    How do you talk to yourslef?   Do you appreciate your God-given beauty?  Do you love your curves?  Do you value yourself and your worth as a woman or man simply for who you are?

Or do you berate yourself in your head?  Do you 'reward' yourself with food, because you've had such a bad day that you deserve it.... and by way of doing so, equate yourself no better than your dog?  hmm.
Do you say you appreciate the beauty behind the pictures, and silently allow your thoughts to become horribly negative towards yourself and your ability to love or be loved?   

I do.    All of that.  I do it.    And I can't say that I thought about changing it at all when the judgement was handed out. As a matter of fact, I dug my heals in and adamently refused to even acknowledge the hurt those multitue of words caused.
But I did listen when a few more friends spoke the truth in their own lives.  They were pointing out the same thing, but not pointing at me. 

So hear me out.  I'm not pointing at you.  I'm not calling you out with the hopes that you'll change your wicked ways, you demon lover.

But I am calling you to think.   I am pushing you to take that step towards freedom, that doesn't come wrapped in that cloak of self hate you're so comfortable with.     I am encouraging you to expect more for yourself than the hurtful words you keep in your head for those times when you feel really down.  For the times when you just want to wallow in your self pity of fatdome, and the food you chose is a double helping of negativity piled high with lies and topped off with an enormous helping self hate.   




I can call you on that only because I suffer from the same demon. One I desperately want to be rid of, but am honestly afraid of what life would really look like if I didn't dislike myself so much.  I can only ask you to change from this behavior because I too am plauged by constant low self esteem even though by most outward appearances I have it all together.  But I don't.  I hurt. And I am my own worst enemy because I am wearing the cloak of self hate. 

I am an encourager by nature. I love to help. I love to teach. And I would like nothing better than to see a new generation rise from the ashes the media have created.  I would love to see women love to be women and young girls protect their innocence long enough to learn their total value as a beautifuly created woman.       But as good as my intentions are towards others, I don't seem to be able to direct that encouragement towrads myself.  

And that is my own personal wake-up call.       

Just as I teach my own girls to guard their eyes and minds, I need to take my own advice.  Just because I'm an adult and 'can' view whatever I want, doesn't mean that I'm not affected in the very same way my girls would be.  And I've lived the life of self hate for so long, that at times it doesn't seem abnormal to talk to myself that way.   But it is. And it's wrong. And I would be the mother of all mother bears if I thought someone was talking to my daughters that way.  So when will I protect me?  When will I defend my own need to be loved?   And when will I believe that I'm worth loving enough to accept nothing less than that very thing?

I wish I could tell you this was not a problem for me. But it is.  It's a lifetime of problem, so it's not going to go away over night. But I can begin to be aware of how I talk to myself.  I can stop when I start to think or say something negative towards or about or against myself. And for now, I can protect my eyes from what they see... and I can look only at myself and it's own beauty and learn to see it for what it truely is.  

Real.    

Come be real with me.    Come take that step towards love you ~   and stop the self hate.   Drop that demon off the cliff, look towards the sun and soak up the warmth that self love can truely bring.  
Remember  -  Love never fails.   

And as Raffiki says.... 'It is time!'