Walk with Me

Sugar

Bloated. Insecure. Cranky. Craving.  Overly tired.  Guilty.  

Those are just a few of the symptoms I get when I eat crack    Sugar.

I love the taste of sugar. I love the look of sugar.

 But sugar doesn't love me.

 I am beginning to realize that I'm stuck in a one way abusive relationship where I'm sticking it out hoping things will change. I'm hanging in there, because I love sugar - and because I want to believe sugar loves me.  Sugar has only harmful intentions, but I can't see that. I chose to see the tempting, colorful, tasty exterior and am not ready to hear that sugar is bad for me.  
I get quite defensive when my friends tell me sugar is bad for me, because it's not what I want to hear. I know it's the truth, and if I were to listen to Oprah, she would tell me that "Love doesn't hurt."  
(awh, I love Oprah and her witty one liners)

I'm not sure how that relates to sugar, except that I LOVE sugar... 

and sugar hurts.    Sugar make me feel depressed. Sugar doesn't satisfy me, ever - and only leaves me wanting more.  Sugar calls me up, only to use me and leave me feeling guilty and ashamed that I went to sugar once more. 

Sugar.     It's my crack, and I am continually looking for my supply.  

I want to quit. Honest.   And sometime I make great progress, only to think I can have just one teeny little taste - and before I know it, I've eaten all that sugar had to offer and I want more. And I don't just want a bit more, I WANT it. The ugly kind of want..  the kind you hide from everyone because it finds you hiding in the closet while you finish off the sugar you've been hiding.

 The kind that takes over your normally rational thoughts and replaces them with something a 2 year old would recognize as a full blown fall on the floor 'I WANT MY SUGAR NOW' kind of fit.    Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about.  It's ugly.

So why can't I break off this obviously hurtful relationship with sugar?

I know the reasons I should.    I know the science behind why it's a slow form of suicide.  I know what it's like to be in a hurtful relationship, want out, but not be able to see the way out.

I know that once I am out, and there's some distance between me and this relationship -  the way out will seem painfully clear, and sadly very simple.   But when I'm in the midst, and fighting against everything I know to be true, to STAY in this very destructive path.....    well, there's not much anyone can do for me, until I decide I'm ready to leave.

  "Denial
Denial is a powerful too. Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision. Be aware that for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality - not b changing our circumstances, but y pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are. Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy-reality, the other part wet to work on accepting the truth. Now, it is time to find courage. Face the truth. Let it sink gently in. When we can do that, we will be moved forward."    The Language of Letting Go

Are you in denial? Have you walked this road with sugar too?  Maybe for you it's beer, or chips and sour cream, or soda?   But I bet there's something in there and if I asked you to give it up... this all important 'thing'  you would pitch your fit.

Doesn't that strike a chord with you?  Doesn't that cause you to stop and think about why some 'thing' has that kind of control over you?   
Doesn't that bring up the feeling of being used?  Or the feeling of giving up your power to someone else.  

I've been in denial.  I think I'm still in denial.  I'm down 24 pounds over this last year, but I'm still in denial.   My goal has never been a weight goal, it's a get a healthy me goal.   But although I've lost a significant ammount of weight and inches, I've not succeeded at a healthy me because given the chance - I eat sugar at every opportunity.   Something in there hasn't connected yet.   Some part of me is still in denial that sugar really isn't good for me.

My challenge for me and for you, is to walk away.    

Just do it.  Just decide it's time for a divorce and walk away.  If you've been there, you know what I mean.    At some point, you just realize you've done all you can do, you've fought with all you know to fight with.  You've tried to give and you've tried to take, and you've tried begging and pleading and then demanding and expecting.   And then you just give up.  On yourself....   

don't do that again.   Demand what you need.  Fight for what you want.   And recognize when it isn't being given to you and walk away.   Just walk away.

You trying harder won't change the fact that sugar is bad.  It will never love you the way it should and you will never be strong enough to overcome it's lure.  

Let's walk.   Let's just go for the walk we should have taken years ago.   Walk with me.