Walk with Me

Sugar

Bloated. Insecure. Cranky. Craving.  Overly tired.  Guilty.  

Those are just a few of the symptoms I get when I eat crack    Sugar.

I love the taste of sugar. I love the look of sugar.

 But sugar doesn't love me.

 I am beginning to realize that I'm stuck in a one way abusive relationship where I'm sticking it out hoping things will change. I'm hanging in there, because I love sugar - and because I want to believe sugar loves me.  Sugar has only harmful intentions, but I can't see that. I chose to see the tempting, colorful, tasty exterior and am not ready to hear that sugar is bad for me.  
I get quite defensive when my friends tell me sugar is bad for me, because it's not what I want to hear. I know it's the truth, and if I were to listen to Oprah, she would tell me that "Love doesn't hurt."  
(awh, I love Oprah and her witty one liners)

I'm not sure how that relates to sugar, except that I LOVE sugar... 

and sugar hurts.    Sugar make me feel depressed. Sugar doesn't satisfy me, ever - and only leaves me wanting more.  Sugar calls me up, only to use me and leave me feeling guilty and ashamed that I went to sugar once more. 

Sugar.     It's my crack, and I am continually looking for my supply.  

I want to quit. Honest.   And sometime I make great progress, only to think I can have just one teeny little taste - and before I know it, I've eaten all that sugar had to offer and I want more. And I don't just want a bit more, I WANT it. The ugly kind of want..  the kind you hide from everyone because it finds you hiding in the closet while you finish off the sugar you've been hiding.

 The kind that takes over your normally rational thoughts and replaces them with something a 2 year old would recognize as a full blown fall on the floor 'I WANT MY SUGAR NOW' kind of fit.    Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about.  It's ugly.

So why can't I break off this obviously hurtful relationship with sugar?

I know the reasons I should.    I know the science behind why it's a slow form of suicide.  I know what it's like to be in a hurtful relationship, want out, but not be able to see the way out.

I know that once I am out, and there's some distance between me and this relationship -  the way out will seem painfully clear, and sadly very simple.   But when I'm in the midst, and fighting against everything I know to be true, to STAY in this very destructive path.....    well, there's not much anyone can do for me, until I decide I'm ready to leave.

  "Denial
Denial is a powerful too. Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision. Be aware that for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality - not b changing our circumstances, but y pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are. Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy-reality, the other part wet to work on accepting the truth. Now, it is time to find courage. Face the truth. Let it sink gently in. When we can do that, we will be moved forward."    The Language of Letting Go

Are you in denial? Have you walked this road with sugar too?  Maybe for you it's beer, or chips and sour cream, or soda?   But I bet there's something in there and if I asked you to give it up... this all important 'thing'  you would pitch your fit.

Doesn't that strike a chord with you?  Doesn't that cause you to stop and think about why some 'thing' has that kind of control over you?   
Doesn't that bring up the feeling of being used?  Or the feeling of giving up your power to someone else.  

I've been in denial.  I think I'm still in denial.  I'm down 24 pounds over this last year, but I'm still in denial.   My goal has never been a weight goal, it's a get a healthy me goal.   But although I've lost a significant ammount of weight and inches, I've not succeeded at a healthy me because given the chance - I eat sugar at every opportunity.   Something in there hasn't connected yet.   Some part of me is still in denial that sugar really isn't good for me.

My challenge for me and for you, is to walk away.    

Just do it.  Just decide it's time for a divorce and walk away.  If you've been there, you know what I mean.    At some point, you just realize you've done all you can do, you've fought with all you know to fight with.  You've tried to give and you've tried to take, and you've tried begging and pleading and then demanding and expecting.   And then you just give up.  On yourself....   

don't do that again.   Demand what you need.  Fight for what you want.   And recognize when it isn't being given to you and walk away.   Just walk away.

You trying harder won't change the fact that sugar is bad.  It will never love you the way it should and you will never be strong enough to overcome it's lure.  

Let's walk.   Let's just go for the walk we should have taken years ago.   Walk with me.

Sing for Me

Tempo.                            

Better yet, the rhythm of life.  I'm a musician at heart, so life often moves to music for me. Even when I'm quiet, there's a soundtrack playing in my head. If you've been around me for very long, you'll know I can't stand still. Some part of me will be moving, especially if there's hip hop playing!  Sometimes I'm not even aware it's going on... the humming along with a song, or the slight hip sway that simply says I'm happy. 

But the tempo of my life lately has been less than a soothing melody. It's been a full on 'Flight of the Bumblebee!'

Thanks to a few major events, the sountrack of my life had to be completely re-written.

First and probably most significantly, a few years ago the music stopped. Not just the rhythm, because that's easier to go with the flow. A simple change in direction, no problem. A slight detour, ok. I got that. But this was the kind of tempo change where the conductor decides I am no longer part of the orchestra.  I didn't even get to audition... or in reality, I'd been auditioning the whole time and didn't know it. Big change. 

Second - We moved.

A LONG way from home and everything I've ever known, to a place where the only thing I knew for sure was it had beautiful weather and Crossfit. (and Oregon women, but that will only make sense to the cave man and he doesn't read this anyway.. but let's just leave it at 'insecurity.' )
I left my church, my friends, my side of the family. I left my favorite piano player and accompanist, and all my southern food! I left the Y, which I'd been a part of for the last 9 years.

   So where does that leave me?

Beautiful weather. No humidity. Impressive mountains. Majestic scenery and open spaces.  

Yes. 

And starting over. 

There was no sheet music left on my stand for this performance. The paper was blank and it was up to me to write the melody.

Oh my friend... have you ever faced your day and wondered how you were going to make it through -  maybe even just get out of bed?    I've had months like that. 
 Before I moved here, those days were almost every day. I was drowning in a depression born out of grief and loss and sheer panic, and fueled by my lack of knowledge that what and how I was eating was only making it more impossible for me to successfully climb out of that black hole. (but that's another post)
  I took on a sport I thought I loved, but what I really loved about it was that it hurt worse than the pain I was facing inside.

hmmm.

Even I need to sit with that one a bit.       I have a broken and bruised up past. So it was no surprise when I began to discover that I loved working out, that I would never be satisfied with an 'easy' workout. I needed the push.  I needed the pain.  And I needed something bigger to tackle that what I was always fighting inside.   I started in the gym. Then I discovered kickboxing. Then I discovered full contact Muay Thai.   You can see the patern here.

Working out was always the bright spot in my day - and somehow I've always known what to do in the gym, but have struggled with just about everything outside of the gym.  Why is that?  Why is there a confidence inside the gym that won't transfer into my life?

I don't have an answer to that question yet, but I can tell you that I'm beginning to find an inner peace with both myself and my gym time.   It's been a long drawn out process, but after many years of wandering around lost, I can say I'm well on my way to finding my song again. 

Now before that sounds defeating for those of you who are reading this thinking - "I'll never get there."  or "some people have all the luck,"  or even "I don't even have the energy to try,"  please hear my heart on this.  This didn't happen for me overnight.  It didn't even happen the first 20 times I tried to change.

But at some point, I realized I had just enough strength to try. Just one thing. That's all I had in me.   And it's all you have to have. Just the thought that you want to try.  

From there, you find your safe places. Those friends who stand by you no matter what, and I don't mean the ones who just like to hear your problems so they can 'know' what's going on with you. I mean the real friends. The ones who don't listen when you say things are fine. The ones who show up anyway when you say 'I don't need anything.'  And the ones who hear your heart, even when you can't say what's hurting. Go there and tell someone that you want to try.   That you want to sing again, but you don't know how.

It's ok not to have all the answers.  And if you want to know a secret, sometimes it's better that way. If we don't go into a situation with all of our actions  'mapped out' already, then we're more likely to stumble on the hidden bleessing than if we protect ourselves so much that we blaze out a path without stopping to look around.   Sometimes, and I know it's hard to believe, but sometimes you don't need to know then end result before you start.  Sometimes you just need to start.

My life today doesn't look anything like the song I used to sing.

That's ok.  As a matter of fact, it's brilliant.  

It's not where I though I would land.  It's not what I thought I would be doing.  It's not who I thought I would be friends with.  And it's not who I thought I would be.

It's better.  

Hang in there.  The saying, 'This too shall pass' is really a wonderful thing.  It really will. Whatever you're singing today, won't be the song you sing tomorrow. And whatever trial you face today, won't be the one you struggle with next week. So it will get better.  And it will pass. And there's a beautiful song that was written just for you ~   and it's simply waiting for you to sing it. 

So go sing.    Be what you were meant to be before people and life and you got in the way.

Sing for you.   Sing for me.   

I'll be listening....

A Prescription for Pain: Courage

        Pain.  

If you had to chose, which would you pick.....
  Mental Pain ?
 Physical Pain ?
 Emotional Pain ?

None, right? I mean, come on.  That's a stupid question to ask, because none of us would pick pain as our companion.  But so many of us walk with her. 

Some of us have the pleasure of knowing all of her parts, having been dealt the daily dose of mental, physical and emotional pain.    

Others only know her in pieces. It the ones who know her in whole that I want to talk to today.    Myself included.

" Never allow the past to hold you back from enjoying a full life. What have you got to lose, except a heavy burden? Forgiveness is usually the key to moving forward, which is why it’s on the path to gaining insight. When you forgive yourself, and those who have hurt you, you are able to release negative patterns that visit you over and over again. More important, you will finally sever the control that a memory of another person has over you. Stay in the present, affirm the good that has been a result of a bad situation, and love your authentic self even more than you did yesterday. You can do it!"

(Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/2005/11/Moving-Past-Pain.aspx#ixzz1qd65frvG)

Just yesterday I got word from my doctor that surgery on my ankle is in my very near future.  

 

Wonderful.     Fan - freakin' tastic.

 

This on the heels of 7 months of trying to work through an injury that just hasn't healed.   So not only have I battled the physical pain of the injury,  it's been a constant struggle to maintain the emotional and mental pain that follows the isolation of an injry. (That, and a move across the country to a place where this southerner is a true 'foreigner.' and where I have been completely forced to re-invent myeslf.)

But what's been interesting along this journey through physical pain, is the realization that emotional hurts have surfaced based on how vulnerable I'm feeling at the time.  The more physical pain I'm in, the harder those emotional hurts hurt.

Seeing a picture of someone I lost can send me into a real downward spiral of self doubt.  Why?  Why do I let a broken relationship have any say on who I am today?    Why do I still give that relationship a power over  me?     

 

Logically, I can look at that loss and say it was in hindsight, the best thing that's happened to me. The relationship was unhealthy and although I didn't have a say in it's being over, the fact is ... it's over.     Ok, move on right?  

Wrong.    The more vulnerable and isolated I feel based on my pain, the less strength I have to fight off that self doubt that wonders why I wasn't good enough to stick around for.    You know?     

I literally find myself swimming upstream against my own demons to fight through the pain of being dumped.

So ~  where do you go?   How do you fight that pain?   and which pain wins?   Which of her ugly black pits do you fall in, when you are faced with even just the memory of a 'pain?'    

 

 

 

 

 

Some days it's ok to just sit with a pain.  Maybe you need to nurse it a little bit, feel it a little bit deeper or give it a voice and speak your mind.     But some days, I think at least I know I do... I need to take a long hard look at what I'm letting cause' me pain. 

I'm a fighter.   I haven't always been - but I've learned to be.   I've discovered courage I didn't know I had - all on the heals of a pain I didn't want.   

I bet you're a fighter too.   Your fight may not give you the benefit of putting on the gloves and going a round or two with your opponent.  Mine didn't.   I have had to fight my battle in private and entirely on my own.   If this is you, let me encourage you in the knowledge that there's something to be said for private battles that you fight and ultimately win on your own.     

If you're lucky enough to have a circle of friends to fight with you, then that makes me smile for you. And I say that without a drop of sarcasm, because you are the lucky one.

 

 But there are some of us, who don't have that... so the battle has been fought on our own.   The lines weren't clearly drawn, they were forced.  And we struggled to gain our footing, as we climbed the bank of depression and crested the hill of despair.

And then somewhere in there, we noticed a change.  

The pain that once threatened to drown us with it's weight, has slowly, and painfully, become less.   Less than it once was.   Less of a threat to our making it through the day.    Less important.   and if we're lucky, less than worth our time to feel anymore.

I'm not there yet  ~   with this pain.  But I can say it's less than.   And I can say, that it has been the sole catalyst in propelling me out of myself and into the new me. So although it began as a pain that I was sure would drown me, today I'm grateful and in a way thankful for that pain.  Without it, I would not be who I am today.  

As for the ankle pain, well - that's a work in progress.    I have the MRI next week to find out the extent of the damage and therefore assess how to proceed.  Then begins a new round of pain for me, as I spend the next couple of months recovering.  

 

Whatever your pain, at whatever level you may be.... remember ~  All pain is a work in progress.  It moves. It changes.  It progresses and it sets us back.  But pain management comes in many forms, the strongest of these being the courage to face it head on. Fight it.  and WIN.

"Know that courage doesn't always roar.  Sometime courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

 

Getting Real : Pt. 1 Food (is my) Drug Administration

 Addiction.   

That one word just sounds dirty.  

Only bad people do that. 

 It feels negative and heavy and for people who come from bad parts of town and grew up with bad parents.. and bad manners.....  and, well - 

that's a lot of   'bad.'      

Maybe that's too harsh. 

Maybe it's not really bad people, it's just that they don't have the self control and they fell on hard times and ....  

that still sounds bad.  

What if good people have addictions?  What if people with self control have addictions?  What if YOU have addictions?      No?  

 Ok.  Fine.        I'll start.

Hello.  My name is Bethany and I'm an addict.   I've been clean now for 5 months. 

  

Wait -  don't judge me?   Did you judge me?!    Because I know those somewhat unconscious thoughts that flashed through your head.  "Oh.  An addict.  Hmmmm  wonder what she's addicted too..   Glad I don't have that problem."   

Today I want to talk directly to those of you struggling to clean up your act.  Maybe you're addicted to food. Maybe it's exercise?  Maybe it's facebook?  Nah.... 

But for the sake of targeting that someone I think needs to hear this today, I'm talking about being addicted to food. 

"We all make poor choices against our better judgment. It’s kind of what makes us human – the tendency to actively and willfully make decisions that will result in unfavorable outcomes. Sure, the candy bar tastes good, but you know you’ll feel awful after eating it. Yeah, that blog is fun to read, but you know you’d be much happier if you finished that essay for class first. And yet five minutes later, a candy bar wrapper sits, emptied of its contents; your molars house fragments of nougat and sport a caramel sheen; light nausea approaches; and you find yourself wading knee deep through comment sections, MS Word window minimized. What just happened? Why did you do those things that you told yourself you wouldn’t, that you warned yourself against, and whose negative ramifications are already coming to fruition – just as you predicted?

Last week, we began the dialog with my introductory post on akrasia – the act of knowingly working against one’s own interests – but we didn’t get into any details. Today, I’m going to try to provide a few answers. I’m going to delve into the reasons for akrasia, particularly as it pertains to making bad eating choices. I won’t discuss psychological issues, per se, instead focusing on physiological explanations, but keep in mind that the two are often one and the same. You can’t really separate the mind from the body (well, without killing the person, that is).

Whether we pick up the phone to order takeout, open the candy wrapper, shove the spoon into the jar of Nutella, or accept the offered slice of cake, we are making a decision. Most health experts say making the healthy decision is a matter of willpower. So that if you make an unhealthy decision you simply don’t want it badly enough. Like Bob Newhart in that old Mad TV sketch, they seem to think all you have to do is just “STOP IT!”

Well, it’s not that easy. Otherwise, folks wouldn’t be making these decisions that go against their better judgment. Otherwise, they’d indeed be “stopping it.”

So why do we do it?"

Read more: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/8-reasons-why-you-act-against-your-own-better-judgment/#ixzz1ncKEoAnJ

If you haven't already, you should go read that entire article. 

I won't try to re-do what he's so eloquently stated.   

What I do want to do is tell you that you're not crazy.

 You're not defective.   You aren't 'less than' these other people you see having success at changing their eating. You don't have less will power, and right now - you don't even have the ability to just 'stop it.' 

So there.      What I didn't say though, was that you are not to blame. 

Not in the blame you're a bad person kind of way, but the only way things are going to change for you is if you are honest and can out loud say where you are. Really are.  Not sugar coating it (haha), not dressing it up but really laying it out there for at least you to see.  And then owning it.

No one sets out to be an addict. 

 Let's be honest.   No one thinks it will be them.  

But if you've ever tried to stop eating sugar or breads for a short time, you can be the first to testify as to how flippin hard that is!!!   

Why is that?!  It's just food, right?       I mean, so maybe I like sugar.   (insert head roll)   I deserve it. I mean, I've got 3 kids, I'm a stay at home mom who homeschools, my husband works a lot and I've recently moved across the country to a place where I know no one.    Dang if I don't win the brownie! (once again, name that movie ) 

And honestly, when and how did that stupid brownie become an addiction for me?

You know what I'm talking about.  That little piece of chocolate heaven can turn a grown woman into a full blown temper tantrum throw myself on the floor 2 yr old.   Oh lordy.  

  

That food talks.  It back talks.  Then it screams.  It taunts.  It reasons.  It hands you the excuses.   It begs.

It will make you pitch a fit like no other when you discover that someone has taken your last piece of chocolate!!!!!!!   

Here's the part where you can begin to change things.  You have to be ready.    

That's the key.   

You.  

You are the only person you can control, so you have to be ready.   Ready to make some tough decisions.  Ready to stop listening to your excuses.  Ready to take the hard road, not the easy bake one.  And ready to be in it for the long haul. 

This isn't an overnight fix.   It's a lifelong journey, and a complete lifestyle change.  

That's big.   Honey, that's really big.   That means you have your work cut out for you.   But you know what, I totally think you can do it.   Oh yeah,  if this southern fried born and bread on mashed potatoes and coconut cream pie lady can change her ways, you can certainly do this. 

The Greek definition for 'strive' is ~

agónizomai: to contend for a prize, struggle

Original Word: ἀγωνίζομαι
Part of Speech: Verb
Transliteration: agónizomai
Phonetic Spelling: (ag-o-nid'-zom-ahee)
Short Definition: I strive, contend
Definition: I am struggling, striving (as in an athletic contest or warfare); I contend, as with an adversary.

 Notice the words 'agonize' and 'striving.'       

I'm going to just tell you right now, that both of those things are going to happen while you strive to change your life.   And I'm also going to tell you, that if you will keep your eyes on the prize then you will have what it takes to get you there.     You will fail.  A lot.   You will have setbacks.  Probably a whole lot.  But you will know that you are striving ~  continuing to push towards what lies ahead, and that you will never arrive but will only get better at striving towards your goal.  

I hope that gives you encouragement and the freedom it gave me.  To know that I didn't have to be perfect at it, I just had to keep trying.  Keep pushing.  Keep looking ahead so that the choices I had to make that were hard sacrifices in the beginning, had a purpose.  And that purpose was always leading me towards my goal. 

Ok.   So how did I do it? 

I decided I was tired of being fat.  Be that 20 pounds or 100, fat is fat.  I decided I was tired of making excuses.  I was tired of not being able to do it.  I was tired of looking in the mirror and literally hating what I saw.  I was sick. I was on depression medicine and still struggling to face the day.  I was rewarding myself at every opportunity with crap that I really didn't want, and I was tired of being powerless to change it. I was tired of comparing myself with others and always coming up short. I was tired of being tired, and I wanted things to be different.

So I took one thing out.     I started with Coke.  I wanted to see if I had enough determination to quit just coke.   So I did.    Was it easy?   Honey, just because I can write the words 'I quit coke' doesn't mean I didn't do it kicking and screaming.   But finally, after 2 years of making excuses, I wanted the prize more than I wanted the coke.     And that's been the defining factor for every choice I've made since then.

{  This prize?   It's mine.  No one is deciding it for me, and only I can make the changes necessary to reach it.  When I could see that as a real possibility for success instead of the constant opportunity for failure it had always been.}

The same is true for you!!     And can I just encourage you that something magical begins to happen when you begin to take these steps for yourself?   Can you just trust me enough to take that first step, believing that the prize is waiting for you?     

Can you look ahead for just one week, and tell yourself you are taking today and striving towards that new you?  

 Because if you are continuing to strive, sweet heart you realize that means you cannot fail.      Because the goal is not to arrive.  The goal is to continue to strive.    

So find that one thing today.   Remember - agonize is part of the journey.  So find the thing you think you couldn't live without, and set out to conquer it instead of letting it continue to conquer you.  

Let me leave you with some words from Bellatrix Nutrition ~

  When will we see the most obvious fact of modern life and modern illness? Man-made things are harming us and nature’s natural things have always been there to help us. The more we have of the former and the less we have of the latter, the more ill health we risk. The final trouble is that food, drink and drug companies are bigger than many countries and they want to grow even bigger. Food and drink makes us fat and sick and we then need drugs and surgery to manage obesity, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, damaged joints and limbs – it is a perfect symbiotic relationship. " -- Zoe Harcombe

 Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward.